heya, back to school… lousy monday… loads of stuff waiting for me to do… stupid bus 18 refuse to come at its usual time, causing me to miss the empty train from bedok to boonlay…. had to settle for a sardine packed train instead…

haha, The Guy hope to catch the same 179 as me today, but alas, he missed it… oh well…

i dunno wat is wrong with me… i get emotional when discussing things… guess i am not a good communicator after all… haiz… i really dunno la… even if i change, will pple notice? will pple ever notice the person change for the better or simply ignore the change?

Since the latest fiasco, i shall not elaborate… I have kinda lost confidence in designing le… not completely lost, but very shaken… i dunno if i should continue or give it up… haiz… i dunno la… i design… design and design.. yet no matter how much i do… its simply not good… maybe i am just not good at it after all… *fyi: i started designing only a few mths* maybe its because i am still a rookie… with not much experience at all, if any…

u may wonder why i am so pessimistic, thats because i simply cannot find any confidence in my designs… haiz… i dunno…

will The Gal give up on desiging? that qn i leave it open…

maybe i should learn to seat down and listen patiently and evaluate it carefully, and dun open my mouth to say anything before that… if pple are so scared of me… so much so that they dunno how to approach to talk to me… am i that scary? will i eat u up? =(

If i change for the better, can u accept? will u be able to see it? if my efforts are not going to be recognised, why should i try? but then again, it might be worth a try… maybe i let my heart rule over my mind…

sometimes i get really pissed… and when i get angry, no point talking to me cos i will never accept anything, even if its good… see? thats me… thats me when i get pissed off…

I am still feeling raw… scarred and have lost any ounce of confidence in my designing hobby… i have no courage to pick up the tablet and start drawing again… =( anyone can gimme that courage?

maybe The Guy is right, putting things in a nicer way might be the easiest way for pple to listen… that works no doubt… I cried last night, simply because i am so upset and angry at myself… but then frankly speaking, i have not much confidence (if there is any in the first place) to design any more work…

i mean, i am venturing into some unknown area… clueless… and dunno what to expect… i know pple will critque my work, abit too harsh at times… its hard for me to accept it for now… but without criticism, my design will never improve and grow…

will i still be accepted? will i change for the better? my self-esteem has taken a tough beating as well as my confidence… i am lost, confused and dunno what to do… am i good? am i bad? am i simply so hard to understand? am i that scary? am i… am i? the thing is i dunno… i really dunno…

i get defensive when pple� push me to the edge… when i am upset…� gentle and soft approach works, but not hard approach… i will snap back harder than ever… maybe thats the way i developed to protect myself… oh gosh, i have never felt so vunerable since entering uni…

too sheltered liao i think… time to grow up le… this august turning 21. and the moment u hit 21, life changes. u are a full grown adult… i just simply wanna break down and cry out loud for once… at least let my emotional baggage all out… maybe thats the way for me to really calm down… �

things come fast and hard… i find it a bit tough to cope with so many things… esp sleeping late…as in really late… maybe most of u are used to it… but i am not… in fact i feel like i am already sick… but then time ticks by… =S till i just explode…often in the wrong way…

i ought to self reflect i guess, so that i could change for the better… =’)
and if i have offended u in anyway, i am sorry.

�

feeling sorry,

The Gal

Nicole